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"I am restrained by moral and religious considerations from
making my real feelings known, and I feel I should sink in my own
estimation if I gave way, though my natural desire is to do so.
In the face of opportunities (not I mean of _paedicatio_, but of
expression of excessive affection, etc.), or what might be such,
I always fail to speak lest I should forfeit the esteem of the
other person. I have a feeling of surprise when any one I like
evinces a liking for me. I feel that those I love are
immeasurably my superiors, though my reason may tell me it is not
so. I would grovel at their feet, do anything to win a smile from
them, or to make them give me their company.
"Ordinary bodily contact with the boy I love gives me most
exquisite pleasure, and I never lose an opportunity of bringing
such contact about when it can be done naturally. I feel an
immense desire to embrace, kiss, squeeze, etc., the person, to
generally maul him, and say nice things--the kind of things a man
usually says to a woman. A handshake, the mere presence of the
person, makes me happy and content.
"I can say with the Albanian: 'If I find myself in the presence
of the beloved, I rest absorbed in gazing on him. Absent, I think
of nought but him. If the beloved unexpectedly appears I fall
into confusion. My heart beats faster. I have eyes and ears only
for the beloved.'
"I feel that my capacity of affection is finer and more spiritual
than that which commonly subsists between persons of different
sexes. And so, while trying to fight my instincts by religion, I
find my natural feeling to be part of my religion, and its
highest expression. In this sense I can speak from experience in
my own case, and more especially in that of my brother, that what
you have said about philanthropic activity resulting from
repressed homosexuality is very true indeed. I can say with one
of your female cases: 'Love is to me a religion. The very nature
of my affection for my friends precludes the possibility of any
element entering into it which is not absolutely pure and
sacred.' I am, however, madly jealous. I want entire possession,
and I can't bear for a moment that any one I do not care for
should know the person I love.
"I am never attracted by men older than myself. The youths who
attract me may be of any class, though preferably, I think, of a
class a little lower than myself. I am not quite sure of this,
however, as circumstances may have contributed more than
deliberate choice to bring certain youths under my notice. Those
who have exercised the most powerful influence on me have been an
Oxford undergraduate, a barber's assistant, and a plumber's
apprentice. Though naturally fond of intellectual society, I do
not ask for intellect in those I love. It goes for nothing. I
always prefer their company to that of the most educated persons.
This preference has alienated me to some extent from more refined
and educated circles that formerly I was intimate with.
"I have been led entirely out of my old habits by association
with younger friends, and now do things which before I should
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